Parroting The Parrot's Preaching
by ClairvoyantDreamer1011
Summary: Cobra hates new neighbors, so he brings his parrot Macbeth to annoy the hell out of them every time they move in. It's worked so far, but when one feisty, breath-taking blonde neighbor enters the picture, Cobra decides that maybe having neighbors isn't so bad after all. [AU One-shot] CoLu and slight Parrot!MidKino.


Summary: Cobra hates new neighbors, so he brings his parrot Macbeth to annoy the hell out of them every time they move in. It's worked so far, but when one feisty blonde neighbor enters the picture, Cobra decides that maybe having neighbors aren't so bad at all. AU One-shot! CoLu and slight MidKino.

 _A/N: This one-shot is dedicated to my loyal followers and reviewers, MysteriousGirlsFanticy, shortstack2018, AliceInCrazyland15, Doubutsu-lover, Shinigami no Lucy, rikary, PeyPeyPeyton22, MistressAva, TheFangirlingFanboy, TheDorkyCelestialFlame, jingerr, Angel Dimond, BluWildcat and many more! Thank you all so much for your support!_

 _And to CoSmO333, An Amber Pen, and brendatorres113, a special thank you for supporting my stories and reviewing 'Poisoned' each time I update! I love your reviews so much and there are no words to express my appreciation for your endless support. Love y'all! 3_

 **WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND MILD SEXUAL CONTENT. PARENTAL GUIDANCE REQUIRED FOR READERS UNDER THE AGE OF - lol who am i kidding. Any fic involving Cobra is gonna have all of the above.**

* * *

'What the fuck are we doing?'

'Welcoming our neighbor,'

'Why, pray tell, are we doing it?'

'To annoy the fuck out of them so they'll leave us alone for the rest of the fucking year,'

'...I do not remember agreeing to this insanity,'

'You're my parrot, I don't think you have a say in anything, Macbeth,'

'I didn't agree to be the pet of a shitlord master either,'

'Fuck you -'

'What the _fuck_ are you doing?'

The bickering pair swiveled around to face the newcomer. Cobra tried not to stare at the woman standing before him. With shining blond locks tied up in a messy bun, obvious bags under her beautiful, doe-like brown eyes and a small scowl forming on her pink lips, Cobra had never seen someone more beautiful than his currently pissed neighbor.

However, that didn't mean he wouldn't complete his mission to piss the pants off his blonde neighbor. After having five neighbors in his apartment floor who were either completely insane, senile or just plainly annoying as fuck, he did not want a repeat of his previous neighbors. Therefore leading to his current predicament, to make sure the neighbor understood clearly and completely that Erik 'Cobra' Scarlet _did not_ appreciate having neighbors who were nosy, whiny, loud, creepy...the list of what type of people the toxicologist disliked could go on for decades.

'I asked,' the blonde repeated, her arms crossed in front of her bountiful assets as she glared at Cobra. 'What the _fuck_ are you doing in front of my door at _3 o-fucking-clock in the morning_?'

'What a sharp tongue on a lady,' Cobra's African gray parrot piped, causing the blonde's eyes to narrow at the bird. '43 percent of men don't like women who swear like a cunt at a whore house, you know.'

Cobra was torn between wincing at his parrot's bluntness and giving Macbeth a life-time supply of his favorite banana bread, specially made by his little cousin Wendy because _damn_ if this wouldn't insult the woman. _Way to piss off a neighbor, Mac. If this doesn't deter the blonde away, nothing will._

Cobra expected a slap, a scream or a slam of the door(and maybe all three at the same time).

The maroon-haired toxicologist most certainly _did not_ expect the blonde woman to let out a series of unladylike snorts, soon accompanied by full-blown laughter that had her bent over at the waist. Macbeth cocked his head to the side and turned to look at his equally befuddled master.

'O-Oh my _god_ ,' she cackled, her laughing fit slowly dying down to the occasional chuckle. 'Your parrot is the _best_. Does his master know how to talk though?' Cobra gaped at her before composing himself and shooting her a vicious glare, causing her to burst out in giggles. Cobra ignored the slight flip in his stomach as he watched the blonde beauty trying to contain her giggles. It was rare to see a woman that pretty laugh like that. Sorano laughed like that too, but only with the few of them. Cobra inwardly snorted as he recalled how 'ladylike' the demon laughed when she was with that obnoxious stripper boyfriend of hers, going as far as covering her giggles with a dainty hand. _What the fuck was wrong with just laughing?_

(He won't admit it, but if he were to choose a woman, he would no doubt choose one who laughed _just_ like the blonde in front of him)

'Down, tiger. I was joking. No need to glare,' she teased, holding out a hand to Cobra. 'Name's Lucy, geneticist at Magnolia U. Care to give me the name of this handsome fella?'

Despite his later protests, it was true that the maroon-haired male did, indeed, blush. He shook her hand and was pleased to note that her grip was firm and her hand was calloused. His previous relationships never went well, mostly due to the fact that his exes were often uptight, rich daddy's girls. It was good to know that his neighbor wasn't one of those. But judging by her choice of clothes(which consisted of a t-shirt with 'fuck you, bitches' written across it in navy paint and a pair of sweatpants), he should have known that she wasn't the average lady.

Cobra opened his lips to speak, only to be interrupted. 'I'm Macbeth. But you may call me Midnight,' Lucy smiled and reached forward to pet the vocal parrot. 'And by the way, Cobra, she was referring to _me_ when she said 'handsome fella'.' Lucy giggled while Cobra made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

Before Cobra could protest, Macbeth flew from his perch on his master's shoulder and onto the blonde's awaiting hand. Cobra winced as he saw how Macbeth's claws dug into his neighbor's fair hand, causing blood to flow out from the punctures.

Cobra was taken aback once again when Lucy didn't even flinch. She used her unoccupied hand to pet the grey parrot, eliciting a small chirp from the parrot. 'Midnight, huh? The name suits you.'

'Why, thank you. I absolute abhor that ridiculous name the idiot gave me when I was incubated.'

Lucy giggled and asked, 'You're a transgenic pet, aren't you? An Exceed type, maybe?' Cobra wasn't sure if she was speaking to him or to the parrot. Or maybe to herself, considering the fact that she was a geneticist and all.

Macbeth squawked in agreement. 'At least you're not as stupid as the last moron who lived here. If you were, we would have to keep on annoying you and I wouldn't like that because I need my sleep,'

Lucy glanced at Cobra in amusement. 'Oh really? And would you be so kind to tell me how you would do that?'

'My master usually wakes his neighbors and insults them every midnight until they leave,' the gray parrot added helpfully. 'Sometimes we ask Natsu to help.'

'Natsu, as in Natsu Dragneel?' she said in surprise.

'Wait, how do you know that idiot?' Cobra asked, causing Lucy to roll her eyes.

'He was my chemistry partner when we were in tenth grade. The buffoon set my notebook on fire the first time we did a project together.'

Cobra snorted. 'Sounds like something Natsu would do. Our pranks always involved fire, after all.' He stiffened as he realized what he just said.

'It's a good thing Midnight likes me then,' she said nonchalantly, gaining another chirp of agreement from the gray parrot who was still resting on her arm. But despite the calmness in her voice, Cobra could still detect the most subtle hint of aggression in her brown eyes. The maroon-haired man gulped. The look on her face was frighteningly similar to his sister's when she had missed her daily slice of strawberry cake.

But the look was gone as quick as it came and it was replaced with a bright grin as she said teasingly, 'Care to introduce yourself, stranger? Without the help of Midnight this time.'

Cobra unconsciously beamed at her when she referred to Macbeth as 'Midnight' and not 'your parrot'. He hated it when people treated the African gray parrot as some sort of object.

(He didn't know why his breath hitched when he watched her stroke Macbeth's feathers with wonder in her eyes and the softest smile on her face. It was probably just the fact that she was the most attractive and intriguing woman he had ever met, besides Kinana.)

'Cobra,' he stated. 'Cobra Scarlet. I'm a toxicologist down at Crime Sorciere,'

Lucy whistled in respect. 'You mean that research center in Crocus?' He nodded, amethyst eyes shining with pride. 'Wow, my dream ever since I was a kid was to be able to work there with Precht Gaebolg and his crew.'

'You would be disappointed, then, because old man Hades hates interns,' he told her simply, causing her to stare at him with her jaw agape. 'Wait, you know him?'

The toxicologist shrugged. 'Kind of. The guy screams at my team to scram every time we pass by his lab. Plus, my sister works for him. He's a pompous bastard most of the time except when Mavis is around.'

Lucy's eyes widened even more. 'You mean _the_ Mavis Vermilion? As in the greatest geneticist the world has ever known Mavis Vermilion?'

Cobra nodded with a chuckle. 'Yep, the one and only. Though don't tell her husband how close she is with Precht. Zeref'll probably shut down the entire lab, like how he completely destroyed Grimoire Heart when he saw one of their scientists get too cozy with Mavis.'

He watched with poorly disguised amusement as Lucy stood frozen in her spot, her mind spinning with what Cobra had just told her. 'Y-you,' she stammered, her eyes dazed and unfocused. 'Y-you know them _personally_?'

When Cobra nodded, she all but fainted. The maroon-haired man looked at her worriedly when she leaned against her door frame for support. Though, he couldn't help but feel...happy that someone knew exactly what he was talking about. Most of the people he's met outside of work barely kknows what he's talking about, so it felt nice to have someone who shares his interests.

(He couldn't deny the tiny fact that he was happy that _she understood him_. He doesn't know how she did it, but the blonde geneticist had wormed her way into his heart in such a short time. He couldn't help but feel sort of... _relieved_ that she shared his passion in subjects and topics other people wouldn't understand.)

'Z-Zeref, as in Black Mage Zeref, the legend who discovered the origin of Earthland and the existence of our parallel world _single-handedly_?' Macbeth squawked in response as he left her arm and went back to his master.

'Why are you so surprised? Natsu is Zeref's younger brother, after all.' Macbeth added.

Cobra watched in horror as the blonde fainted and fell to the floor with a thud.

'Mission accomplished. Target is down.'

'Holy _fuck_ , Macbeth.'

* * *

When Lucy woke up, she was surprised to feel the softness and warmth of her comforter. As she slowly sat up on her bed, she vaguely remembered talking to a parrot and the sexiest man she's ever laid eyes on. She winced as she raised her hand to rub her eyes, realizing that there were bruises on her arm caused by Midnight the night before. She also felt a painful throb in the back of her head.

The blonde looked around her room, only to shriek when she noticed a pair of beady eyes looking at her on her bed stand. She calmed herself when she realized that it was Midnight.

'What the hell, Midnight? You scared me!' she scolded, causing the African gray parrot who cocked his head at her, before turning to the direction of her closed door. 'Cobra! She's alive!' Midnight called out, causing Lucy to smack him lightly on the head, earning her a peck from the parrot.

She heard footsteps approach her bedroom and a moment later, the door opened, revealing the toxicologist. Lucy tried fervently to hide her blush when she realized that his hair was messy and his shirt was missing. Fuck, he looked down-right delicious. She wondered distractedly if he liked it rough, because she was minutes away from jumping him and riding him senseless.

'Oh, Lucy!' his rough voice snapped her awake and she jumped slightly. 'You're awake, good. I -uh- I brought you inside when you fainted last night and I didn't know if you would be alright or if you had a concussion or anything so I stayed I hope you don't mind-' Cobra rambled, raking his hand through his hair, causing Lucy to unconsciously lick her lips.

'Calm down, it's okay, Cobra, I'm used to people breaking into my previous apartment anyway,' she reassured him with a smile while she hopped up from her bed, strutting towards her bathroom. She stopped when she heard a strangled grunt from Cobra. Puzzled, she turned around to look at the dazed man, realizing that his eyes were forcefully averted to the side.

'What?' she asked.

'You're not wearing your clothes.' Midnight chirped.

She glanced down and screamed.

* * *

'I told you to leave her clothes on.'

'...'

'Or you could have just left her clothes alone.'

'...'

'Why didn't you watch where you were going? You could have avoided the vase on the table if you weren't so busy staring down Lucy's clothes. Moron.'

'...'

'Cobra, should I be worried that there is blood coming out of your nose.'

'...She was wearing lace.'

'Yes. Maroon-colored lace, if I'm not mistaken.'

'Lace, Mac, lace.'

'Yes, Cobra, lace. And she had a tattoo on the inside of her thigh too.'

'...Was it a snake?'

'To be precise, it was a tattoo of a cobra.'

' _Hot damn._ '

* * *

When Lucy came out of her bathroom, her hair dripping and a pair of clothes donned properly, she was surprised to find her living room empty. She looked around her apartment and realized that Cobra and Midnight had left.

She sighed and plopped herself onto the couch. She looked up at the ceiling and groaned, burying her face in her hands. Why couldn't she be more normal, more ladylike? Maybe then she wouldn't scare away every male that came near five feet of her.

Even though she wasn't really surprised that they had left (it wouldn't be the first time a highly attractive man had left her), she couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. It was the first time she had so much fun with a person...a stranger, no less.

'H-Hello,' her parrot piped from the side. Lucy smiled at Yukino and greeted her white parrot similarly before standing up and filling her small plate with her favorite fruits and granola, eliciting a happy chirp from Kino. 'T-Thank you, L-Lucy!'

Kino wasn't transgenic and she didn't have the artificial intellect Midnight has, but Lucy loves her all the same. She was a bit sad that Kino didn't have a chance to meet the sassy African gray parrot the night before. Lucy was sure Yukino would have loved the company.

Leaving her parrot alone to enjoy her breakfast, Lucy went back to sit on her couch. Lucy felt a smile on her lips as she recalled her night before. She had been up typing a report for her newest experiment (Professor Seilah was insane, perhaps more insane than her father Professor Geer, to request for a complete report in less than two days, regarding their latest discovery.)when she heard the door beside her apartment open and close with a click. Her ears had perked up when she heard muffled sounds coming from outside her door.

Suspicious, she clambered to her feet and went to grab her baseball bat from high school. She hadn't used her bat for a long time but she was confident that she could still incapacitate the intruders if needed. She wasn't called the Celestial Demon since middle school for nothing.

She went to the door and the conversation between the strangers outside became less muffled but she still couldn't hear much. She peeked through her curtains and let out a breath of relief. It was just a man arguing with his parrot. Nothing special.

She dropped her bat and decided to go back to work on her report when she realized that the man outside was having a conversation with his parrot. Her curiosity instantly probed her to have one more look.

She gasped when she realized that the parrot was probably an Exceed, a rare transgenic pet which cost people millions to obtain. She and her crew - the Zodiac - had protested largely when they heard that transgenic animals were going to be patented and sold for money. Lucy had even started a group called Exceed Extremes to warn people against using animals as a ways to gain profit. But it was shut down a few weeks later.

Lucy didn't hesitate to slam open her door to glare at the stranger. He's probably an arrogant prick with too much money to spare, she had thought. Even though she couldn't really do much to help the poor parrot, she had decided to give the jackass a hell of a verbal beat-down.

But the blonde didn't expect to be swept off her feet. And in the end, she ended up developing the _tiniest_ crush on her neighbor. No, her heart _did not_ leap out of her chest when he said her name; and no, her breath _did not_ hitch when he started talking so _passionately_ about his job and his team with that all-too-familiar glow in his eyes and a to-die-for smile on his lips.

Lucy sighed again and stood up to make herself some coffee. She had probably slept for four hours last night because it was a Saturday, _thank god._ She usually has two hours of sleep and five cups of super strong coffee to make up for the lack of rest she gets.

She wondered if Cobra faced the same problems as she did.

As she waited for her coffee-maker to finish grinding up her coffee beans, she realized that there was a small piece of paper on the table, right under her vase. She went over to her coffee table and slid the paper out from its spot under her vase.

* * *

The brightest smile Macbeth has ever seen was plastered on his master's face when they heard a squeal and a loud 'yes, you moron.'

The gray parrot personally thought that Cobra looked like a hopelessly love-sick fool. But Macbeth didn't mind this time. He liked the weird, blonde woman. She would be good for his master.

It didn't hurt that he spotted a very cute parrot in a corner of the room.

* * *

OMAKE:

' _Mm._..oh, shit...right there. Faster, Cobra _ahh_!'

'Fuck, you're so... _nngh._..tight, _fuck Luce_!'

'That's right, baby... _mmm_ , fuck me - _ahh_ \- _just like that_!'

The erotic sounds of the bed squeaking and the explicit moans coming from the African gray parrot's mouth caused Erza Scarlet to blush fervently. Macbeth looked at his master's sister smugly and continued to play the sounds of the couple's love-making with his vocal chords. He watched in satisfaction when Erza stood up and demanded, her face still aflame, 'Do tell me where my beloved brother is, Macbeth. I believe it is time for me to properly educate him in the matters of...' she coughed. '...sex before marriage.'

'Actually, Miss Erza, this - _ahem_ -'recording' is playing _live_ , if you get my meaning.'

Macbeth watched in delight when the red-head practically stormed out of the apartment. The sounds of startled shrieks in the next room could be heard from where the parrot was held.

That would show Cobra. Just because he was in a steady relationship doesn't mean Macbeth's daily dose of banana bread should be neglected. Lucy's banana bread was much much more delicious than Wendy's and after all, she literally lives next door. He sees no reason why his dosage of Lucy's heavenly dessert should be restricted to only once a month!

As the sounds of his master's shouts and protests reached him, Macbeth sighed, he could practically taste the soft textures of his favorite meal already.

* * *

HOLY MOTHER OF RAINBOW-SHITTIN' UNICORNS I CANNOT BELIEVE I WROTE THAT UNDER AN HOUR WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

Anyway, what do you think? To tell the truth, this is actually what happened to my cousin when he first met his neighbor. Except his parrot wasn't transgenic. And it wasn't nearly as adorable as Macbeth. The stupid thing only knew how to cuss, courtesy of my idiot cousin.

(I had originally wanted to make this story exactly like my cousin's but when I told him about it, he very simply screamed NO. Apparently he was embarrassed by how Ramsay treated his current girlfriend the first time they met. Here's the transcript : (For all those below the age of 12, I advise you to politely skip through this section because my cousin's gf has a hell of a mouth on her. Gotta love her for telling me how they met! XD)

'Hi, Ramsay!'

'Fuck you!'

'What the-'

'Fuck you!'

'...Now I understand why he named you Ramsay, you little piece of shi -'

'FUCK YOU! SQUUAAAAWk!'

'I hope you die exactly like your namesake did.'

'SQUUAAAWk!')

There were a lot more vulgar conversations, but I'll spare you guys. ;) So please leave a review to tell me what you thought of this story! I love love love it when you leave reviews because hello, reviews are _love_. :) Don't forget to fav/follow this one-shot if you liked it! And check out my other works too if you love CoLu!

P.S : For Midnight/Macbeth lovers out there, please don't hate me for turning him into a parrot. *hands raised in surrender* But hey, at least I threw some parrot!Midnight/Yukino in there right?

Clary out!


End file.
